Invisible Tears
Feb 27
Written by Beth Weber
The great King David once penned the words, “…I am lonely and afflicted” (Psalm 25:16). Have you ever felt lonely and afflicted? Loss is universal. It is also highly unique to each one of us. Our grief is not always understood by those we turn to for comfort. Some losses are discounted or even ignored by society and even by those closest to us.
The professionals call this “disenfranchised grief.” It is the proverbial “insult to injury” and can complicate the grief experience exponentially. “Disenfranchised” means to deprive a person of some privilege or right. Every person has the right to grieve, but not everyone has the same freedom to do so. Author Kenneth Doka explains, “There are circumstances in which a person experiences a sense of loss but does not have a socially recognized right, role, or capacity to grieve. In these cases, the grief is disenfranchised.” You might say we lose our “freedom of expression.” Our losses and our tears become invisible. Perhaps you recognize your grief experience in the following list:
Overlooked Losses
* Childhood losses and needs can become invisible to other grieving family members unless they lose a parent
* The loss of adult siblings is often minimized and considered less critical than that of the sibling’s spouse or family members
Unacknowledged relationships
* The death of an ex-spouse
* The death of a friend
* Health professionals who lose a patient they have cared for
Secret Sorrow
* Miscarriage
* Loss of a pet
* Losses resulting from something other than death, such as a runaway child or someone who is missing
* Loss of life’s dreams when someone we love is diagnosed with a debilitating chronic illness
Stigmas
* Death from AIDS
* Death by suicide
* Death by drug overdose
If you recognize yourself in this list, let me begin by assuring you are not alone and your loss is real. Today I want to encourage you with some helpful things I learned about the importance of invisible losses and the tears we cry in secret. May it give you words to articulate your losses and overcome the deep sense of loneliness that often accompanies affliction.
Permission Granted to Grieve
Stigma is a cluster of negative attitudes and beliefs that motivate people to fear honesty about their sorrows and struggles. We may suffer in silence to avoid embarrassment or ridicule by others who do not understand what we are going through. Years ago, when my teenage son left home and went missing for several years, I was grief-stricken, but I discounted my loss because my son was not dead. So did those closest to me. I tried to go on living life as I had before because I did not see myself as a grieving mother. I also discounted a loss through the death of someone who caused me deep pain during his lifetime. Unknowingly, I denied myself the “freedom of expression,” which compounded the affliction and the loneliness. I learned by experience that isolation intensifies loneliness. The sorrow that hides behind painted smiles and under veneers of a positive attitude cannot silence the suffering within. Its screams awaken us in the still of the night, where we find the freedom to cry our invisible tears until the break of day.
As William Shakespeare wrote in Macbeth, “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.” When I accepted the reality of my experience and granted myself the gift of grieving, my broken heart began to heal. We can acknowledge the truth with simple statements such as, “I lost something special to me, and I hurt,” or “It is okay to feel sad.” Giving voice to our sorrow quiets our souls and lightens the load so we can keep on going. Telling our stories to ourselves or compassionate others helps us grasp the reality of our losses. It also grants permission to others to talk about their invisible losses.
Consult the Creator
Loneliness is one of the most painful emotions a person can experience because God created us to be in a relationship with Himself and others. The loss confronts us with our powerlessness, but it is also an opportunity to come face-to-Face with Jesus Christ, who is One “acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3). When no one else understood my sorrow, Jesus did. His promise never to leave us nor forsake us is good news when we feel abandoned by people who cannot be available for us when we need them most. Those who have not shared our experiences may unknowingly hurt us. Jesus never tired of listening to my story. He saw my invisible losses and my invisible tears. I poured out my heart to Him and, as I read His Word, He poured His hope, strength, courage, love, endurance, wisdom, and comfort into me so I could take one more step through the dark valley of sorrow.
Connect with Comforters
Loneliness intensifies when others lack experience and do not know how to support us. Feelings of abandonment can tempt us to give up and withdraw. Don’t quit! Maintain a strong connection with Jesus through time in the Word of God. Ask God to bring someone into your life who knows the pain of crying over invisible losses to comfort and support you. One of the greatest gifts God gave me was the support of a woman who shared my sorrow as the mother of a missing son. Talking, laughing, and sharing our stories infused my soul with hope. Supportive relationships help us live happier, healthier, and longer lives. Connecting heart to heart with those who can acknowledge our losses is like strong medicine for our broken hearts. German scientist Dr. Stefan Klein notes, “The mere touch of someone who is familiar and trusted can ease sadness. This…is caused by neurotransmitters like oxytocin and the opioids that are released in the moments of tenderness.” Wow! A simple touch of the hand or warm embrace has the power to ease the unbearable sorrow within.
Ask
One of the most effective ways to overcome loneliness is to ask for help. It sounds simple, but for those of us who have learned to “pick ourselves up by the bootstraps” or “keep a stiff upper lip,” this may prove challenging. Those in leadership may find it even more challenging to ask for help. It takes courage to show our weakness, but it is in weakness that we see the power of God, who infuses us with the strength we need. Since God is the Source of everything we need, we can ask Him for the courage to ask for help.
Comfort the Disenfranchised
Experience is the best teacher, and the grief experience is no exception. Disenfranchised grief is a resume builder because it equips us with understanding and compassion. It gives us a heart for those who are suffering needlessly in the shadows. We can comfort others with the comfort we received from God and others who encouraged us through our long seasons of sorrow. Sharing the grief experience with Jesus by spending time in His Word gives us “an instructed tongue to know the word that sustains the weary” (Isaiah 50:4). Our experience with unacknowledged loss gives us eyes to see the invisible tears of others.
Reaching out rather than retreating builds relationships that protect us from the pangs of loneliness. When I feel lonely and afflicted today, I often sit down and write a note of encouragement for someone. It reminds me of the gifts I have gathered in the dark shadowy valley of loneliness and affliction. Grief has enriched my life. I found the riches of God’s unfailing hope, strength, courage, love, wisdom, and comfort. Sharing His treasures with others gives purpose to my pain. As the wisest king in history once wrote, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed” (Ecclesiastes 4:9 NLT).
When we walk with Jesus, we are never alone. We can succeed on our journey through the valley of invisible losses! Our tears are never invisible to God. He understands the ache of every loss we can ever experience. God does not overlook, minimize, or discount any of our tears. The psalmist wrote, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle” (Psalm 56:8 NLT). May you find the treasures in your darkness as you walk with Jesus!
My Hope is in Him,
Beth
TREASURES IN DARKNESS
Psalm 23:4 // Psalm 42:11 // Psalm 103:13 // Isaiah 25:8 // Isaiah 30:19 //
Isaiah 35:10 // Isaiah 41:10 // Isaiah 43:2 // Isaiah 50:4 //
Isaiah 53:3-4
Matthew 5:4 // Matthew 11:28 // Luke 6:21 // Romans 8:18, 28 // 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 //
2 Corinthians 12:9 // 1 Peter 4: 12-13, 19 // 1 Peter 5:7 //
Revelation 21:4